A Relationship Reset: Breaking-up with Tech (Part 1)

 The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do.

Michael Porter, Strategic Planning guru

There are signs of a movement afoot to change our relationship with technology.  It involves shifting how we consume technology as it becomes more evident how it is consuming us – and our relationships. 

Technology, now supercharged as AI enters our lives alongside a powerful consumer economy, has continuously served-up some combination of better-faster-cheaper possibilities – for almost everything:  unlimited information, incredible computing power, undreamed of decision-making capacity, communication – instantly, globally, cheaply and even anonymously along with on-line access to cheap goods like clothes and cameras.  These new choices have made our lives so much better, but they have also had costly and damaging unintended consequences, especially in enabling the erosion of meaningful and durable relationships.

Here is just a partial list of the trade-offs we have landed on – you will think of many more:

The winners:  iPhone, Netflix, Amazon, DraftKings, Tinder, Pornhub. The losers:  movie theatres, kids’ mental health, stores, marriage, love-making.  Who knew we would be worried about our kids’ sexual abstinence?

It is hard to fully comprehend just how broadly and profoundly these shifts have changed us and the sociological impact they have delivered.  

The good and hopeful news is there is growing evidence – maybe even an early-stage trend – that we are entering a new era of ‘conscious deciding’ about tech choices that undermine our relationships. The bad news is that for many of us breaking-up with tech is nothing less than a battle with addiction.  Learning to turn tech off winds up being even harder than learning how to turn it on and use it. 

Technology:  The Addiction Accelerator

Our use of technology not only often distracts and dilutes our relationship with family, friends, neighbors, colleagues – it has a more ominous effect.  Technology can be a powerful addiction accelerator:  porn, gambling, gaming, drugs, alcohol, shopping, social media, twitter fights, sexual addiction and so much more.  Whatever one’s weakness, tech combined with our consumer economy can deliver ‘better-cheaper-quicker’ to our ‘Achilles heel’ – at scale.  Like in any other abusive relationship, the goal is to isolate and weaken us by removing us from our relationships. Let me highlight three abuses that are extracting great costs – especially from our younger generations – along with signs of a positive relationship reset:

Porn-based Sex:  The dramatic growth of the porn industry has been greatly aided by the internet and smart phones.  In an excellent article entitled The Mass Trauma of Porn, Freya India writes: “Children are learning about sex for the first time from social media algorithms designed to drag them toward ever-more degrading content. … This is the gamification of graphic porn.”  The average age of first exposure today is twelve but with frequent exposure as early as nine.   

She goes on say, “It leads to seeing people as sex categories .… All of it, dehumanizing. Gazing into screens instead of eyes; preferring pixels over people; this whole numb retreat from one another.”  No surprise that dating, marriages and childbearing are taking a hit.

The hopeful news is that there are signs of a backlash brewing among those who have been raised on porn.  We are also seeing state governments take action.  In May of this year, Arizona became the 24th US state requiring pornography companies to check online consumers’ ages.

App-based Dating:  Looking for love has always been hard, but the digital age has brought new challenges.  Digital technology in the past two decades has dramatically changed how singles meet, connect and date.  Yet according to Catherine Pearson, ‘dating app burnout’ is a real thing, and a common mantra from the digital transaction world is how ‘gamified’ the dating sites feel, designed to keep their users hooked.  For many it feels addictive. 

Here’s the good news:  Pearson reports that singles and especially younger ones are looking to find ways to interact more in-person.  That is no small challenge, given we as a society live, work and socialize remotely on-line: the opportunities and the skills of approaching and flirting with prospective candidates is diminished.  But as we will discuss in Part 2 of this post, we are seeing evidence of renewed intentional gathering.   

Phone-based childhood:   Social psychologist and author of The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt nets it out: “Something went suddenly and horribly wrong for adolescents in the early 2010s. … Those were the years when adolescents in rich countries traded in their flip phones for smartphones and moved much more of their social lives online – particularly onto social-media platforms designed for virality and addiction.” 

The carnage is not just mental health, it includes:  loneliness, friendlessness, less dating, less sex, declines in math and reading scores, and less interest in ever having children.

Here’s the good news. The response of parents, teachers and leaders to stem the tide of this tech Trojan Horse that has invaded the minds and emotions of our kids – has been inspiring.  21 US states have enacted statewide laws or policies on cell phone usage in schools with many banning them all together. 

Parents are also taking action at home with the Wait Until 8th pledge^[1] aiming for collective parent action that does not isolate or separate their child from friends and classmates. 

A follow-up post will look at some simple ways in which each of us – young or old, addicted or not – can build on these hopeful signs by resetting our relationship intentions to make our lives, our society and our world relationally happier, healthier and more productive.

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