Robert Hall writes from Dallas, Texas. He is a recovering CEO, executive coach, author, and speaker on relationships.
If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.
Desmond Tutu
It was a painful, emotional discussion, tears and all. A close loved one and I had a very different point of view on an issue and on what we needed to do about it. At the height of our stuck-ness, she said, “But we are aligned on so many things, have so many mutual experiences and shared values – we can’t allow this single issue to dominate our relationship.” Like that, looking for what we had in common, shifted the discussion.
It is such a common trap these days to let one issue define and then destroy key relationships. You know what I am talking about: that person – family member, colleague, neighbour – whose views on abortion, sexual identity, the border, fossil fuels, climate, social justice, criminal justice or some other issue riles-you-up and causes you to dash for the exits when you see them.
Whether global geo-political issues or family squabbles, too often we allow one issue to undo or undermine all of the things we share in common.
What Is Driving This Hyper Polarization?
There are two shifts in recent times that have, in my opinion, accelerated our growing estrangement. First, technology and social media encourages us to share with the world our values, beliefs and partisan opinions. We have always had differing views, but now we have them more loudly.
Technical capabilities develop rapidly, relational habits and skills develop slowly. We need new relational capabilities to deal with this growing polarization.
Second, we increasingly mistake false certitude and belligerent exchange as forms of noble purpose. The value of “taking a stand” against an enemy has trumped the value of listening, understanding, forgiving, compromising and extending grace. This moves the focus from trying to find the best solution for all the stakeholders to defeating the other side.
I worry that we are seeing an exodus of leaders who seek collaboration and compromise, because they are tired of butting their heads against a wall. Further, I worry they are being replaced by more extreme “fighters”, self-selected and then selected by their partisan electors, to do battle on narrow, single issues – seeking to impose their version of purity.
My Wish for 2024
Rather than being overwhelmed by the magnitude of the polarization we face, my hope for 2024 is that – in all of our scratchy, tension-filled relationships – we prioritize building relationship by increasing our focus on what we share in common. It doesn’t mean changing our beliefs, but it does mean changing our behavior. Let me give you three reasons why this makes sense:
1. Our enemies are our greatest teachers: There are certain lessons only someone on the other side can provide us. When we opt out of difficult relationships, we are also often cutting ourselves off from key learnings that we need and they need. A planet that is unwilling to engage with differences is one that will be less wise.
2. Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position. But certainty is an absurd one (Voltaire). The arrogance that goes with unbridled certitude leaves no room for humility, admitting we are wrong, seeking/offering forgiveness and grace. Whether we believe in God or not, surely, we can agree that we are not God. The mystery that exists beyond our understanding is not to be denied, it is to be embraced.
3. Grace offered is grace that comes back to us. When we offer others grace, when we see the goodness in them in spite of whatever brokenness they have, it opens us up to our own brokenness and the possibility of forgiveness and grace – and peace.
I ran into my good friend Herb and thanked him for the exquisite custom-drawn birthday card he recently sent me that hearkened back to my college days as a baseball pitcher. He smiled and said, “being right-handed, I had trouble getting the left-handed release just right. I had to draw it as a right-handed picture and then transpose it to get it to fit your left-handed release.” That struck me.
In 2024, if we want peace, do this one thing: look for the things we share in common, even in and especially in those most challenging relationships. Sounds simple, but it is hard. How do we do that? Maybe we do like Herb. Literally draw their world from our point of view and then transpose it – change positions and draw it from theirs.
A fuller version of this article can be found here.
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