Paul Shepanski writes from Sydney, Australia. He serves as Executive Director of Relationships Forum Australia and is the director of an online travel agency.
In a previous post I described a few of the unexpected responses to the pandemic we’ve experienced here in Australia, plotted in the form of a four-box matrix:
We were left with the question mark in the top right box. Are there responses to the pandemic that are unambiguously outward looking: focused on the wellbeing of others and looking forward hopefully to the maintenance and strengthening of relationships?
Before tackling that challenge directly, it will be helpful to consider four generic ways we engage in relationships suggested by this model:
Firstly, controlling (the lower left box). Hoarding toilet paper is an example of a self-protective action driven by fear. More generally in our relationships, we can tend towards controlling and limiting the behaviour of others as we seek to manage our own fears and anxieties.
Utilising (the upper left box). Those who flocked to Bondi Beach in contravention of public health orders may have been looking simply to enjoy shared amenity of the iconic seaside destination. But more broadly, we all enjoy some relationships from a utilitarian perspective; we benefit from the company of others without necessarily anticipating we’ll need to provide much in the form of active care. Social groups based on the enjoyment of common interests (like sporting clubs) provide one context for mutually beneficial – but not necessarily deep – relationships.
Protecting (the lower right box). On face value, the Victorian State Government’s slogan ‘Staying apart keeps us together’ is nonsensical. However, behind it lies the idea that by maintaining our distance from one another, we provide the precondition for future close connection. The overarching goal is to protect. When our relationship with someone is dominated by concern that their wellbeing is at risk, it’s likely we’ll move into this relational mode.
Nurturing (the upper right box). When we move beyond our various fears and provide active care directed towards the other’s flourishing, we are in the mode of nurturing.
There is much more that could be said about this model and the various ways we conduct ourselves in relationships. But here we must focus on the subject at hand: when our interactions are severely restricted, how can we continue to offer a deep level of care aimed at the flourishing of the other?
When I posted the original four-box matrix on a friend’s Facebook page, another friend commented:
‘It [the relational framework] instigated a great discussion with our rather anxious kids. And they had lots of ideas to put in the white box – writing to Grandma far more frequently, letterboxing the nearby streets to share details of our new FB community group, learning new skills and donating toilet paper.’
This excellent response suggests three keys to how we can continue to nurture others in meaningful ways:
- A sense of genuine care for the other is the starting point. It’s because we love our grandma and care for our neighbours that we want to maintain and build relationships with them, not only for our own benefit but so they will flourish.
- When restrictions make our interactions difficult, it becomes critical that we have a real determination to help the other. So our commitment is key; without clear intentionality, our good intentions tend to melt away before we take concrete action.
- As we are deprived of traditional means of connecting, we may need creativity to explore new and different ways to show our care. Writing letters and emails, Zoom and FaceTime are examples. For another friend, it meant standing outside on the street singing as her mother sat listening from the balcony of her nursing home.
Nurturing relationships during hard times will look different for all of us. It will depend on the specific restrictions we face but also on the particular nature of our relationships. Nonetheless, in all cases, it’s likely that care, commitment and creativity will play a part.
In another post, we’ll take a look at how we can think about prioritising the steps we take to nurture others during difficult times.
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